Noche de Tapas!!

October 26 was the inauguration of Pepe, the new wine cave, lounge and tapas hangout spawned by Veronica and Jorge of Torito Tapas Bar, voted one of (Toronto Life's Top 10 Best New Restaurant) in Kensington Market. Antonio hosted the event with multiple tastings the newest wines coming from the cellars of Finca Los Nevados. Chef Carlos Hernandez delighted us with savory tapas of serrano ham, chorizo, croquettes, tortilla espanola, and manchego cheese. The wines paired marvelously for a delightful eve of funky house jazz courtesy of in house DJ. Bumped into an old colleague from Over the Rainbow who claimed he recognized me from the wine scene but my Sicilian witch doctor's memory served me right. Jeremy and I worked together 17 years ago in the rag trade before he left to launch his own sales agency and I poured over Chaucer and the Fairie Queen.

Across the Universe et al.

I was sort of hot and cold on this one when I saw it in the TIFF book at last month's festival and I should have stuck to my instincts. Julie Taymor's Across the Universe is a baby boomer's dream come true about 1960's angst, love, loss and redemption infused with a wall-to-wall Beatles songbook. Where Moulin Rouge soared and this film fizzes are in the gaping holes of the narrative that are hard to fill with smushed strawberries and tiring psychedelic sequences of blue people in tents. Although if truth be told, the singing and choreography are solely spectacular. I would have liked to learn more of Prudence-the-lesbian from Ohio or about JoJo the guitartist's life in Detroit---hard to do with an ensemble cast that mixes a Liverpool limey looking for his GI American father who befriends an Ivy league dropout and then moves to New York in with Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix wannabes and the draft and 'Nam and the civil rights movement and police brutality and Bono the Walrus and Joe Cocker and Eddie Izzard the Kite Man and....who cares? Obviously the freedom 55 crowd that made up the majority of the audience. ***

The She Found Me
Helen Hunt wrote and directed this film about an adopted Jewish woman trying desperately to have a baby with her dolt of a husband played by the weenie Matthew Broderick. She resists adoption from her pushy dying mother and well meaning brother even after Weenie dolt dumps her and she takes up with an adorable yet exhausting and bordering-on-schizo bloke played by the edible Colin Firth. WASP queen Hunt does not have Jewish believeability despite the Sabbath candle lighting and reconnecting with birth mother (played by Bette Midler) solely because she plays the same character she always plays (i.e.Mad About You Jamie or As Good As It Gets Carol or Cast Away Kelly to name a few). ***

Married Life- My least favourite flick of this year's festivale. Chris Cooper plays Harry a middle-aged, middle-class, post-war family man having an affair with should-not-be-blonde widow Kay (Rachel McAdams). In his love for Kay, Harry decides to pop off his smart and sensual wife Pat (played by the stunning Patrica Clarkson). Plagued by jealousy, Harry's best bud Rich (Pierce Brosnan) swoons Kay for himself leaving crusty Harry with a botched murder scheme and Pat's own knickers around her ankles for some other horndog in their dysfunctional 1950's circle of Jones'. The film flops because there is positively no chemistry to be found anywhere with any of the characters. Cooper is a fine actor but Harry's character is an utterly unbelieveable paramour for lusty Kay. Even as Rich sweeps Kay off her feet, or Pat's doing the nasty at the cabin with you-hoo, there is nary an iota of lust or caution or pash or nothin'. **

TIFF Updates

Sorry for being a shitty blogger but I have not stopped (but to belch and expel other gases). TIFF feels like moons ago and before these films make wide release I thought I'd throw in my two cents.

Elizabeth the Golden Age

Hands down. Stamped it. Double locked it. No rubbsies. Cate Blanchett is the BEST actress working in Hollywood today. I have become obsessed with all things Tudor as a result of her SPECTACULAR performance of the regina vergine opposite sexy Clive Owen as Sir Walter Raleigh and Geoffrey Rush as Sir Francis Walsingham. This is the film I have been waiting for all year and Indian director Shekhar Kapur does not disappoint. Although I was expecting some sexytime betwixt Cate and Clive (Sir Robert Dudley he is not) but Kapur more than makes up for it with an amazing montage of the fall of the Spanish Armada. Elizabeth was 55 at the time and past her blushing English rose prime although she still beats the tar out of her lady-in-waiting and sends Raleigh to the Tower for fornicating. Kapur sat down for an intelligent and surprisingly long (he loves talking about this film) Q&A where I asked him how much creative license he allowed himself given that his films will ultimately become texts for learning about the period for this and generations to come. We can expect a third part to this trilogy about the end of Elizabeth's life but Cate's gotta be older and willing to do it.*****

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

With the exception of one train robbery we are largely spared the predictable shoot ups of America's most notorious outlaw and his band of ho-bo-pick-em-up-bad-guys-for-hire. Filmed in Winnipeg, Calgary, and Canmore (director Andrew Dominik failed to comment on filming in Manitoba's capital and when asked in a press conference by a journalist from the Winnipeg Free Press, he answered 'Yeah. Calgary was great...) 'MM thinks she caught a glimpse of her brother Sam who played an extra in the train robbery sequence.

The film is composed of mostly watching creepy Robert Ford (Casey Affleck) stalk Jesse (Brad Pitt) for 2 hours and 40 minutes. Not a huge fan of Westerns or the dialogue flick of which this film is both. Sam Shepard gets star billing and is in the film for 5 minutes. Pitt, however is outstanding as the dark, scary, bad guy you love to root for. My bet is he'll be nominated for (and likely win) the Oscar depending on the competition. ****

In Bloom

Beautifully shot In Bloom is Toronto-trained director Vadim Perelman's (House of Sand and Fog) second feature starring Uma Thurman, Evan Rachel Wood, and Eva Amurri as high school BFFs Diana and Maureen. When a colossal tragedy strikes their school, adult Diana (Uma) reflects on what could have been. Given the subject matter several scenes are hard to watch. Wood's main squeeze Marilyn Manson was in the audience for moral support and wee Evan (she just turned 20) flashed her brilliant cut waaayy too many times in the Q&A following the film.
TIFF programmer Jane Schoettle gave us the poop on the film's distribution. Word is it has been sold everywhere except for Canada and the U.S. (likely given its Columbine/Dawson College theme). *****

Michael Clayton

So far so good on all of our TIFF '07 picks. Started out the festival with Michael Clayton starring George Clooney, Tom Wilkinson, Tilda Swinton, and Sydney Pollack. First time director Tony Gilroy, (screenwriter who gave birth to the Bourne Identity, Supremacy, and Ultimatum franchise) packs a wallop with his saga of a corporate corruption. Wilkinson is exhausting as the bi-polar legal genius who threatens to tank his high powered New York law firm and the unconscionable biochemical multinational (headed by Tilda Swinton) that they represent. Clooney's Michael Clayton is the firm's 'janitor', called into the contain and mop up the mess it makes apart from his own hacked up life plagued by addiction, divorce, debt.

Clooney takes on corporate greed even in this fast paced Hollywood blockbuster sure to sweep the box office off its feet! *****

TIFF begins!!

Good box karma this year. Box 66 out of 75 and we were in Box 29. Got all of our picks but STILL had to wait in the scorching line for 5 hours on Labour Day to swap Chaotic Ana for Helen Hunt's directorial debut in Then She Found Me. I was humming and hawing over Before the Devil Knows You're Dead because j'adore everybody's favourite creep, Phillip Seymour Hoffman but it will likely come to the theatres soon and we can save it for a film club. My sister says Colin Firth is everyone's dream husband and I should not pass up on seeing him in zee flesh for a look at Capote sans greasy combover. Soooooo, the final list is as follows:

Michael Clayton - George Clooney, Tom Wilkinson, Sidney Pollack
In Bloom - Uma Thurman, Evan Rachel Wood
Then She Found Me - Helen Hunt, Colin Firth
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford - Brad Pitt, Casey Affleck
Elizabeth: The Golden Age - Cate Blanchett, Clive Owen, Geoffrey Rush
Married Life - Pierce Brosnan, Chris Cooper, Patricia Clarkson, Rachel McAdams

Les boys are back in town and we have made prelims for Senator size martinis for Monday night. Bon festival!!!!

Where does the time go?

Even the world's most dedicated bloggers slack when life's crap weighs them down. 2007 has been just that kind of year. Loss, illness, divorce, toxins...we've been ravaged by it all.

However, the spring has not been without its highlights:

My magnolia bloomed and I am feeling less like Ms. Weezer every day.

The haikugirl team was recognized for best use of the theme of Faith for the documentary short "Marathon Women" for the IDC which premiered at Hotdocs.

Attended a shwank tasting for the Sante Wine Festival at the Carlu. Sampled some lovely South African reds and a surprisingly good Ontario shiraz (shock!). Although the invitation strictly said 'eat before you come' the Daniel et Daniel catered event featured amusebouche comme ca . de puny.

Primadonna: Confessions of An Italian Princess will have its debut at the Montreal Fringe Festival this June. Featuring a clever bit on 'Messing with the Malocchio' from Mamma Mia! Good Italian Girls Talk Back! (ECW Press, 2004). Stay tuned for a documentary on the malocchio featuring an interview with yours truly....

AAM Syndrome

Needed a break from my intense Italian cousin visiting from Parma (home of parmiggiano and prosciutto). Antonio crossed the pond to exploring medical residency options in Ontario and the U.S. The young surgeon does not suffer fools lightly and Antonio Alpha Male Syndrome was boiling over. Had some of the typical U.S. customs nonsense at the Lewiston border crossing ("We're a country at war, Ma'am").

We outsourced Easter brunch at Villa. The proprietors of the site in Bloor West turfed Il Fornello (appartently only a month to month lease) but not before copying their menu and concept to a T.

In Kandahar Fields

Am basking in one of those glorious sunbeams that make it look like God is here for breakfast. Maybe she is...Can't wait to see my friend Tamar after her 6 month tour of duty in Kandahar. Her parents are hosting a brunch this morning for the leagues of family, friends, and well-wishers itching for her embrace before her return to CFB Petawawa. This photo is of Corporal Freeman at the Village Medical Outreach in Kandahar province receiving thanks from a local woman she has just helped, the only medical care Afghani women are likely to receive.

Pan's Labyrinth

In Pan's Labyrinth, a young girl creates a fantasy world to escape the horrors of post Civil War Spain. Guillermo Del Toro's formidable flick splices Ofelia's fairyland and the harsh realities of Franco's fascist post war regime. The film struck several cords:

• Alex Angulo's exquisite portrayl of Doctor Ferreiro. Antonio and I chatted over canas with Angulo in Cantabria in 2002. We dined at the same sidreria and spent 3 days bumping into one another all over Oviedo's historic quarter.


• Even after 60 years, the Civil War remains an open wound for many Spaniards. The forests' Republican resisters brought back memories of friends and family who survived the Blue Coats' expert torture techniques.
  
• Although filmed at El Espinar in Segovia, the film is set near Jaca in the Pyrenees of Aragon where we vacationed in 2002.
  
• Ofelia is portrayed by actress Ivana Baquero. Ironic, no?

Antonio's turn to pick and as his tastes bend in favour of schlocky action films, I was not inclined to trust him on his hunch. I made a vow with myself to boycott films of graphic torture, but after consultation with Richard to go in with an open mind and let the film carry me, I caved. Well worth it for perpetual bad guy Sergei Lopez (remember him in Dirty Pretty Things?), Maribel Verdu's stoic portrayl of Republican infiltrator Mercedes, and Javier Navarette's outstanding score. Mental note to run out and get the soundtrack.

Let the Sunshine in!

Yipeee!!! Day 2 of March Break and hardly tropical but at 5 degrees, I'll take what I can get. Today we sprang forward into spring 3 weeks earlier to bank on natural sunlight in an age of energy conservation. (Not a bad idea Mr. Bush!). I am staring out my office window at blinding sunlight and confirm the findings in yesterday's Globe, that people who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (ie. winter depression due to lack of sun, SAD, how ironic?) are immediately boosted by a few rays in early spring. Prevalent in rainy, cloudy, overcast cities with mild winters (take that Vancouver and Seattle!) I suspect the affects of SAD are wearing off as my husband is a different man today.

Brunch at River and then a foray into the world of Toronto antiquing in our quest for a hutch and dining room chairs and perhaps a trip to Home Depot for baseboards in a half baked attempt to do something about the dungeon we call a basement.

Saturday Night Fever!

Started the evening out in the company of Julio Fernandez Torrejon, Consul General of Spain at the Fiesta de Andalucia. A far cry from Seville at feriatime but pleasurable nonetheless. Fresh from a post in Vienna, and in the T.dot since August, Torrejon represents the interest of the 3800 Spaniards that encompass his jurisdiction from Ottawa to Vancouver. Julio and I chatted amicably over a lovely dinner of empanadas, pinchos morunos, and seafood paella preceded by flamenco and gitaneo. Antonio and I chuckled silently when we were introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Lucas Wines (pronounced Weens) to the crowd of 300 Andalusian expats.

We skipped out after dessert to hit the Orbit Room in celebartion of the 40th anniversary of our good friend Daryl's birth. Founded by Rush guitartist Alex Lifeson in 1994, The Orbit grooved it large with special guests, the A Team and their stew of phenomenal 70s disco, funky, and R&B. We donned Tshirts of Daryl dressed to the 9s in a brown 3 piece suit for his first school dance in 1980, got jiggedy with former House Speaker and Minister of Environment and Energy Chris Stockwell and 2 drag queens, and slurped scotch and sodas until 4am.

Marty's Big Night

Augurrriiii! After 40 years of filmmaking, Martin Scorcese finally gets his due. The Departed is the highest grossing film of his career, yet I don't need to see it to know it's not the film he should be most rewarded for. Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas are all intrenched in the CANON of American cinema, made the AFI's Top 100 films in the last 100 years, and ALL went away empty handed at Oscartime.

The marathon began at 3pm with the E! Countdown to the Oscars. Lamo commentary by C-listers marking their turf in front of La Cantina and Republik. E! host Debbie Matenopoulos needed a sandwich and someone should have put Jennifer Holliday out of her 80s has-been misery! OHMIGOD! Despite her Tony win for the birthing of Effie in the Broadway run of Dreamgirls, Holliday was a sorry sight of backfat warbling painfully to the street from the rooftop of the Roosevelt hotel.

All in all a very adequate Academy Awards. Lack of umph due in large part to host Ellen DeGeneres. TV might be her medium but she is intimidated by the big F film crowd and it shows. Although she did manage to recover from a couple of hits with the dummy stick (ie. Penelope Cruz from Mexico?) give me Billy Crystal or Jon Stewart any day.

Gotta admit I prefer it this way but there was no Big Sweep that marched in and took over. If I had to call it I'd say Pan's Labyrinth was the big winner. I was sorry to see Babel walk away empty handed and the unchallenged star of the show was Big Al Gore for his genius in
An Inconvenient Truth. Wish I gave him more credit when he was in power....

2007 trends:

Pick your blue: Midnight (Maggie Gyl) Electric (Emily Blunt). Periwinkle (Jody Foster) Plum (Reese Witherspoon).

Strapless gowns sans bling: Diamonds were relegated to ears and wrists for Rinko Kikuchi, Penelope Cruz, Reese Witherspoon, Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt.

Tarzan dress with over the shoulder drapes (Kidman's red cobra, Winslet and Beyonce's green crystals, Gyllehall's black and blue feathers, Blanchett in shimmering smoky grey sequins)

Highlights:

My Pe. Here she is totalement gorge in Chopard diamonds and Versace. Icicle's chance in hell of winning but scores huge points for the fluffy feather dress. She always looks so much better when unattached. She and Reese should go for tapas.

Helen Mirren (always fab in Christian LaCroix). Glad to see an Oscar go to an older woman for a change. Hope I look this good 60+.

Reese Witherspoon in plum and bangs had the best look of the night. That'll show that Phillipe for messing with minors.

Rinko Kikuchi is Stage 1 ESL and charming, graceful, and elegant in black lace and crystals.

Abigail Breslin in perfect pink trimmings for the 10 year-old set.

George Clooney: Even my husband was drooling over his Danny Ocean perfection.

Celine Dion: Quelle surprise! Madame Angelil never looked so good in Vintage Galanos green with matching claw belt and bracelet.

What were they thinking?

Jennifer Hudson is 2007's IT girl. She was supposedly THE woman to dress this year. Shame shame shame on Oscar de La Renta for the hideous Michael Jackson metallic bolero and brown H&M pocket dress! Also, knowing a bit about what to do with big boobs, and maybe it was hell coordinating the wardrobe change but, Jen was gushing out of it while belting it out with her fellow Dreamgirls. Tuck those girls in nice and tight for Pete's sake!

Sally Kirkland always shows up loaded and mauls the interviewers. Her vampire cape almost knocked sexy NewBond Daniel Craig senseless. WTF?

Meryl Streep: I suppose when you win 100 times you're allowed to show up in your pyjamas even if they are Prada...

Kelly Preston: Porcheria. The leopard print is better fit for the House of Lancaster than the red carpet.

Cameron Diaz and Rachel Weisz all could have used with a blow out or an up do. The JBF hair is sooooo 1990s. Sheez!

Gael Garcia Bernal. What happened to the QT TT from Motorcycle Diaries? He's dating Natalie Portman (whom I love) so amigo should try parting his hair another way.

Nonna Anne Hathway could have lost the (circa 1986) double bows.

I'd like to slay the anaconda on Nicole Kidman's back. In addition to the Botox looks like she's had cheek implants...

Countdown to Oscar!

I remember television that I watched 28 years ago.

I thank my mother for her many virtues among them her dedication, rock solid work ethic, and for passing on her love of the Awards of Merit for the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Been doing the Oscar marathon since I was a wee 6 year-old. My earliest Oscar memory remains watching my mom applaud Dustin Hoffman's win for Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role for Kramer vs. Kramer in 1979! (It won 3 more times that year for Best Picture, Best Supporting Actress (Meryl Streep) and Direction (Robert Benton). The legacy of the single-parent-divorce-tear jerker is long. Hoffman remains her favourite celebrity of all time and Kramer is the only film to date that she can tolerate seeing more than once and she wails every single time! She nearly lost her sh*t when I shook his hand and he complimented me on my hair at last year's TIFF.

This Sunday my kin and I will recreate the scene from my 1970's childhood with a few small alterations. We'll get our jammies on later and swap the take-out Chinese for spicy tuna rolls. We'll ditch Barbara Walters' Oscar Night Special in favour of the gowns of the garish on the red carpet. Confirmed presenters include Hugh Jackman, Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, and be-still-my-beating-heart George Clooney. (Can't WAIT for Ocean's 13. George doesn't know this yet but he's lending us his digs on Lago di Como this summer).

Tensions will be high as newly minted studio head Tom Cruise attends with Robo-bride Katie Holmes with not one, but TWO exes in tow. Kidman is presenting and Penelope Cruz is nominated and although I'm holding out for a miracle, I doubt my Italo evil-eye hex will reach Helen Mirren in time. We'll praise the stunning and normal-bodied (my Penelope) in the California sun and boo the emaciated and over the top (read Celine Dion's garish diamond and backwards Galliano tux). We'll don our maple leaves and cheer on Torril Kove for The Danish Poet and Deepa Mehta for Water and Ryan Gosling for Half Nelson but will graciously accede defeat when Forrest Whitaker takes it all for The Last King of Scotland.

We'll covet the live via satellite dis' that comes every year,(looks like Bush is a likely candidate) and we'll consume the tabloid trash the next day only to forget within 48 hours what 2 days earlier had moved us so much.

God Save The Queen...from herself!

Saw The Queen on Saturday night. Haikugirl and I had to bite the bullet and see it before the Oscars. We started with groovy jazz and delectable bouffe at the newly shwank Pilot in Yorkville--one of our favourite haunts. Although Mirren's performance was commendable the film left me lukewarm. It confirmed what most of us in the colonies have known for decades, that the monarchy is choking on its own crumpets and cucumber sandwiches and no number of hot water bottles or furry pink housecoats can instill humanity into an institution as archaic as the stone castles we dole out trillions of pounds to maintain. Be it "God's" will or shameless nerve, the film triggered a larger debate for me, namely the purpose served by a ruling monarch in an age of liberal and democratic values purported to have been exported by the U.K. in the first place!

The world's remaining monarchs (sauf the houses of Saud, Brunei, Oman, Qatar, UAE, The Vatican and other absolutes) serve a symbolic purpose. Spain's Juan Carlos I never sits on his thrown or wears a crown. As does Elizabeth Windsor he supports whatever governing party wins an election, but does not invite the president elect to requesting royal patronage on bended knee. He is a reigning yet non-ruling monarch and acts as an essential symbol of the country's unity. He and his family draw a salary ( a generous one) and all the royal palaces are national heritage sites not personal-tax-exempt-behemoths-of-stone.

I'm all for a royal family, just sick of paying for them!

Me and Ralph Klein.

Amazing how nothing changes (apart from a pile of phone messages, tracking and assessment, and planning Winter Fun Day. Yipee!). It's day 2 back at work and twas as if I had never departed. Kinda like the Alberta legislature after Ralph Klein's retirement, non?

After a week of hunkerdown hibernation it was time to carry the slovenly carcass that was threatening to take over my form out to the curb. Not that I was carousing the streets of the T.dot reeking bourbon and insulting the homeless but me and King Ralph are back on the wagon and back at life. It's a new day.

Words of wisdom from my novice years: "Nobody will ever remember that you came in sick". Amen Irma.

Oscar nods-- zzzzzz.

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences announced the nominees for the the 79th Annual Academy Awards to be aired on ABC Feb 25th. With nary a spark Oscar's nominees were very very very predictable. Babel, The Queen, The Departed, Dreamgirls. Multiple nominees in the Depressing-Movies-About-Africa category.

A couple of surprise nomination shutouts. Namely for Volver and The Wind that Shakes the Barley, BOTH ultra laureats at Cannes. Pedro Almodovar was completely excluded from Direction, Original Screenplay, AND Foreign Language Film. Ouch! Gotta hurt being shoved out out of his office especially as Volver is arguably his best work to date. Borat fizzled landing only Adapted Screenplay. Nothing like pissing off the natives in the heartland. There's also the issue of those pesky lawsuits. My bets:

Best Actress: I'm getting bored of the biopic at Oscar time (read Ray, Capote, The Queen) and although my heart belongs to Penelope Cruz in Volver, Oscar will likely go to Helen Mirren for The Queen. Have only seen trailers but Mirren's portrayl of our sovreign really does border on identity theft.

Best Actor: Cannot see Depressing-Movies-About-Africa that will undoubtedly feature scenes of torture and genocide but if the GGs are correct it will be Forrest Whitaker as Ugandan bad guy Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland.

Best Supporting Actress: I'll throw my money behind Adriana Barraza or Rinko Kikuchi for Babel.

Direction: Martie is my sentimental favourite. Scorcese is the Susan Lucci of the Academy Awards. Absurd that he has never won. But Babel is Inarritu's multilingual masterpiece.

Foreign Language Film: I'm neck and neck English and non films this year. Let's hope Toronto filmmaker Deepa Mehta takes it for Water.

Adapted Screenplay: I'll eat my hat if it's not The Departed taken from the Hong Kong cop flick Infernal Affairs.

Original Screenplay: Guillermo Arteaga for Babel. Hands down.

Best Picture: Need I say more? Babel.

Golden Globes

Last night The Hollywood Foreign Press honoured their best in film and television. Key word being foreign as in not U.S. based, a true indication of the industry's best. Journalists who could give a rat's arse about the $$$ riding on the success of the next big picture and unlike members of 'the Academy' tolerate waaayyy less lobbying from studio heads and agents and publicists et al. Likely the only time you'll see big and small screen etoiles shine at the same venue. Pissers about the GGs:

1. Endless table-snaking especially if you are relegated to the back upper dining room one measly notch above the seat-fillers.
   
2. Annette Bening slurping champagne on 3 close ups.
   
3. The rude way guests chat and mingle even AFTER the commercial breaks when the next presenter is graciously trying to unload the next statuette.

Mental note to treat myself to a PVR for Valentine's Day if for nothing but recording awards ceremonies. I lost the play by play commentary in a Blogger glitch and am working from memory soooooo, here goes:

Jennifer Hudson: Serves her right for almost wiping out on stage. She broke MAJOR GG etiquette rules by not smooching the others at her table or the members of her cast before catapulting to the stage to claim her Dreamgirls booty. That'll show 'em for nicking her off the Vanity Fair cover.

Justin Timberlake: Pipsqueak should save his digs at Prince's diminuative stature. Funk Royalty versus Superbowl halftime show? N'Sych reject is not fit to lick the boots of Prince's purple genius. Nice save by Hugh Grant, though. Prince was stuck in L.A. 'traffic'.

Lorraine Nicholson: Miss Golden Globe? Daughter of Papa Jack and Rebecca Broussaud. Wonder who she lobbied for that job?

PoorJeremy Piven: It's gotta suck being nominated in the same category with Jeremy Irons for anything but then to have the same name as him! Psyche!

Gorgeous Jolie-Pitts: Angie was poised, elegant. Forever a stunner even with her Harley Momma tattoos.

Sarah Jessica Parker: I thought I was free of her wispy pathetic 8-year's old voice, horrid hair, and heinous 'couturier'. However if String Bean Green is to be resurrected from the Sex in the City fossils, it might as well be to plug The Devil Wears Prada.

Toni Collette: What the hell happened? Irrecognizable due to extensive 'work'. Remnants of Jennifer Grey after the botch nose job.

Meryl Streep: Have watched her win awards my entire life and she always always always has bad hair. Never looked so good in her life as in The Devil Wears Prada. Loved her critique of the American Film Distribution Mafia for ditching art films. Prompted Jamie Foxx to comment on the measly 800 theatres that showed Dreamgirls. Vogue nod to Anna Wintour.

Patrick Dempsey: McDreamy nearly ate his stethescope at being duped by hunky, witty, Dr. House for a second year in a row! Double bitch slap!

Nancy O'Dell: Gorgeous earth mother. Hope I look that good 8 months preggers.

Reese Witherspoon: Best dress in Cali yellow. Divorce looks fabulous on her.

America Ferrera - When ugly turns gorgeous. Charming, gracious. Mama Salma and Sister Vanessa rushed to smother her with love and kisses on her big win.

Tom Hanks and Warren Beatty - Ugh! The Beverly Hilton will have to renovate their stage to accomodate their gargantuan egos. Uncouth. Did I hear talk of 'balls' and 'conquests' all in front of his wife? Ick. Ick. Ick. Cecil B. DeMille was rolling over in his grave. Former Beatty love Madinna crooned for him in absentia.

Pedro and Penelope: Pobrecitos. Pedro hates to fly and as much as Volver is my love song to La Mancha, Helen Mirren stole the show THRICE for fab dress and double GGs for Elizabeth I and The Queen.